Thursday, February 25, 2010

A Grand Return

I am thinking about writing here agin.

Friday, May 18, 2007


I don't give much advice.
But when I do, It's awesome.


If you ain't too hot,
you should dress real slutty.
It kinda makes up for it.


Monday, May 7, 2007


He's such an embarrassment
he's not just an embarrassment to this team
he is an embarrassment to the human race
I would never want him to represent the species
in a time capsule
or in a museum diorama
or on an interstellar council.
He will however make good fossil fuel
millions of years from now.

Stage Set number One

I come on stage and I grab the mic and I give the audience a big smile
and a little wave
and I have a look of like I am about to start the greatest act ever
then I clear my throat
and then I do a little facial tic
then I clear my throat again
then I take a deep breath
and cough
and clear the throat once again.
Then I say thank you for coming
and I promptly leave the stage
like a total spazz.

Evel Knievel

I was watching this thing on the History Channel about the greatest American daredevil, Evel Knievel.
There were like 20,000 people gathered in a stadium in Los Angeles to watch one of his death defying motorcycle jumps in person.
And I thought to myself, this is what people used to do before the interwebnets
and cable.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Old Age

I'm getting to be a very old man.
I turn thirty one on Saturday.
Some of you might not think that it old.
But that's because your old, and your mind is going a bit.

Look at me, I've got a receding hairline, a beer paunch, crows feet, and, uh... I've got arthritis in my pecker.
Oh, oh dear, I've told too much.
I always tell too much.
But also I'm getting old because I sit around and complain about old people topics.
You know, complaining about the weather, kvetching about my sciatica, futzing with the lawn furniture, grimacing at the indecency on TV. ya know, old people stuff.
You know what i really hate.
These friggin' morons who don't use their turn signals.
Their like, "I know I'm about to change lanes so of course the folks around me do.
Here I go. Woot. I'm changing lanes. Old news to me, I've know I was changing lanes for two minutes. Get with the times guy, it's lane changing time, woo hoo."
These people act surprised to find out that you didn't know they were about to change lanes.
Like you're the asshole.

Its like, you hear a lot about racial discrimination these days. (these days, right?)
We should turn our should turn our efforts towards behavioral discrimination.
We should shun those no blinker using fools first.
They should be considered outcast, pariah, untouchable. They should be relegated to the menstruation tents. Second class citizens I tell you. Then we'd see some results.
Oh man this society has got problems.
Not the least of which I would like to remind you are the people, and there may be some right here, who are too lazy and ignorant as to use their turn signals.
It's doesn't take that much effort folks.
It's an easily activated lever or switch, right next to the steering wheel.

You can change your behavior.
But you can't change your race.
You are all members of the Human Race the last time I checked.
Can't shed that.
No rehab for humanity.
Just try to do the right, and look out for your little brother.
And for the love of all that is good an holy, use your turn signal.

Drawing Blanks

If I tell it like it is,
it would sound ridiculous.
If I told it from the beginning it would take too long, and be too flowery.
I might use big words and you would call it gay. I don't really need that.
It would be an epic and you with your intolerably short attention span would get bored before I finished the exposition.

I know that not all of those who wander are lost.
I may be one of those.

Imagine a man living a life that he can't actually see. He's not blind in any physical sense, but his lack of tolerance and understanding blinds him to the truth of his own life so completely, that he might as well be blind.
Others can see his life.
They can interact with him. They can tell him about it. They can even draw him a map.
But until he removes the thoughts and feelings that poison his existence from his mind and heart he will never be able to see the beauty in life.
The beauty, and the truth, and the love, in his life.
You know, like really see it.

I don't want to be that guy.

This is all going to get very funny now.